theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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