You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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