Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
