she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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