Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
