Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
