She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
