I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
