I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Girls should come with a carfax report
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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