I think i peed on brittanys purse
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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