She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
