only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
