my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have surprise drugs for everyone
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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