take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
