tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Buhtt sex?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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