dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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