Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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