I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
