I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
