dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Houston, we have a squirter
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
