She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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