Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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