I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
accomplished twins. life is a go
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
