just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
