That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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