fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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