Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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