dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
