the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
