Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
