So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
