theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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