Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize