Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
