She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
