What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
