Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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