his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
