so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
