i wish my penis had a tongue
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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