matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
