All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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