he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
