Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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