He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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