i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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