i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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