then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
