I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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