i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
