i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
