turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
