$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.