apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.