I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire