I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he thought i was a dude.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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