So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
