i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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