I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
