my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
